Admit it, scary to admit love. Even “I like you” the first to say scary. Suddenly this is not mutually, you will show you ridiculous or intrusive? And yet it is sometimes better to take a chance. Why? Explains the family psychotherapist Marcia Naomi Berger.
I often see that customers do not dare to show partners true feelings, desires and needs. But if we hide our “I”, we will not be able to build such a relationship as we would like. When we are not understood, our needs cannot satisfy.
We don’t know what is happening in the soul of a partner. As a result – discontent and disappointment.
Elizabeth turned to me because she wants to get married, to create a family. She is an energetic, successful businesswoman who built her own company to develop computer programs. But how to build a personal life, does not understand.
Men show interest, she goes on dates. But it often turns out that a man who attracts her and with whom she talked a lot, sees her friend in her.
– After several meetings, Bill said that he likes me. But how to understand what exactly he had in mind? – Elizabeth is perplexed.
– Why not ask him directly? – I suggested.
– I can not. I don’t know what to tell me, – Elizabeth shocked my proposal.
She could say something like “Thank you. Nice to hear. But interesting, you mean Platonically or ..?”
It is not as important as she will formulate the question, in any case, she will be in a vulnerable position, because the answer can disappoint. She hopes for a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage. The question of Bill will help to understand whether it is worth counting on mutual interest and continue communication. In this way, she will show that it can open and be sincere with him and is ready from his side.
However, Elizabeth was not used to it, that sometimes it is normal to be so straightforward. She says that she does not want to drive Bill in a corner. But perhaps she herself does not want to take risks, because she is afraid that he will destroy her romantic fantasies.
While she does not know how he treats her, she can continue to amuse herself with the hopes that he will become “thereby” for her.
Is it worth it to take risks?
To be vulnerable means not to hide your feelings, thoughts and desires. This is risky. If Bill replies that Elizabeth is a friend, a client or a business partner for him, she will feel herself with a rejoicing and disappointed.
But such a vulnerability with Bill will be useful. If he says that he wants to meet her, Elizabeth can find out closer and see how events will develop. If Bill sees only a friend in her, she can start looking for someone else who wants a serious relationship.
Refuse control
In order not to feel vulnerable, Elizabeth does not allow men to pay for her on dates. It seems to her that she protects herself so. After all, many men are allegedly convinced that if they pay for dinner in a restaurant, we have the right to expect continuation and intimacy. Refusing treats, Elizabeth is trying to control, so that relations develop on its conditions, and not men.
Control is the opposite of open communication, in which we can be vulnerable and vulnerable. Elizabeth will not change to himself if he admits that most men do not expect the “award” that she thinks about. Simple thanks enough. If someone wants more and begins to hope for sex in gratitude, she can always say “no”.
What can give us vulnerability
Being sincere and vulnerable means to control yourself, but not how relations develop. Although it may seem that it is more reliable and safer to deal with a partner that you can control, so you can avoid awkward situations, disagreements. But think that you are losing a chance to build a deep and significant relationship, an emotionally full -fledged connection for life.
